Self-Value: 5 Steps On How to Draw the Line?

What happens when your self-worth depends on others’ approval? Dive into a childhood story about drawing, mistakes, and discovering the true meaning of self-value.

Where We Learn to Take Our Value From

When I was a kid, I loved to draw. I started when I was four. I was always the kid who was slightly talented at everything, but no one was rushing to send me to a gifted kids’ school.

At my grandmother’s house on Madeira Island, there was a wall filled with family pictures in beautiful frames. One day, I picked up a picture of my cousin Diana and decided to draw it. By some fluke, the drawing turned out surprisingly well—much better than I expected.

Everyone loved my drawing, and I was showered with compliments. That was my first taste of the intoxicating drug of external validation. I knew it was a fluke, but I kept that to myself. I didn’t want anyone to know how accidental my success really was.

Later, I found out it wasn’t my cousin Diana at all. It was Princess Diana! Apparently, my grandmother had the same level of affection for our family as she did for celebrities. But that mistake didn’t matter.

From that moment on, I started to see my worth in terms of what I could produce and achieve. Each compliment felt like a tiny victory, but also a reminder that I needed to keep performing to feel worthy.

When All Fails- A Dramatic Tale of Exposure

Craving more approval, I decided to draw another picture. This time, I got ambitious; I traced it. Big mistake. Huge!
It wasn’t a picture of Princess Diana, but of my actual cousin Zizi.

The drawing was sloppy, only vaguely resembling the original. But, desperate for that same hit of admiration, I showed it anyway. The response was lukewarm at best. My brother, always quick to call things out, accused me of tracing, and I was caught. I denied it, but my face flushed with shame. I felt exposed and embarrassed. The admiration I had once received was gone, and I could only hope that Princess Diana wouldn’t somehow hear about this travesty.

I felt like my four-year drawing career was over—and I was only eight.

I don’t think I was ever able to recover my love for drawing. It was tainted, stained by the fear of not measuring up.

That’s how it often goes: everything fades—beauty, youth, talent. There’s always someone better, faster, stronger, or more knowledgeable. But what if, instead of measuring ourselves by fading qualities and fleeting successes, we recognised our true value—simply for being who we are? This shift in perspective can change how we view our own lives and worth.

Ultimately, the real issue isn’t about what we lose or fail to achieve, but about rediscovering what’s already within us. I propose that our value should be in-built, like the potential in a piece of blank paper before the first line is ever drawn.

How to Embrace Intrinsic Value

Changing how we think about value takes time and practice. Looking back, I realise that if I had understood my worth wasn’t tied to my drawings or others’ opinions, my experience with art might have been very different. Here’s how we can start to see and appreciate our true worth:

1. Think About a Newborn: A newborn baby has value just by being. They haven’t done anything or achieved anything, but their worth is obvious.

If you don’t think a newborn has value: Jail!

2. Understand Intrinsic Worth: This value comes from the promise and potential the baby represents. It’s not based on actions or achievements.

3. Apply This to Yourself: If you can see that a newborn has inherent value, try to see that same value in yourself. You were once that baby too.

4. Make It a Habit: This change in thinking won’t happen overnight. It takes practice and patience, just like any new skill. Remind yourself regularly that your worth isn’t conditional.

5. Commit to Believing in Your Worth: Once you truly believe that your value is inherent and cannot be earned or taken away, it becomes a part of who you are. Embrace this and let it guide your actions.

Had I just embraced my love of drawing, I could have developed my skills, gotten better, and understood myself more in that medium. But I decided to chase the high of approval and ended up poisoning the well. Now, whenever I pick up a pencil, I feel that same old pressure, my hand hesitating as if it still seeks someone’s approval. Somehow be free.

Objections

Objection #1: “But you can’t not contribute to society.”

Everyone contributes in their own way, but when we recognise our intrinsic value, we contribute out of genuine passion, not obligation. This leads to more meaningful actions.

If I had understood this at eight, I might have drawn just for the joy of it, sharing my art without seeking approval, and contributing authentically.

Objection #2: “What about those who take without giving?”

Those who take without giving often don’t see their own worth and act out of fear. Understanding intrinsic value encourages positive contributions because we feel we have something valuable to offer.

If I had known my worth, I wouldn’t have needed to impress others by tracing. I could have shared my art confidently, from a place of self-worth.

Objection #3: “Doesn’t this mindset lead to complacency?”

Recognising intrinsic value actually encourages growth. When we feel secure in our worth, we’re more willing to take risks and improve.

Had I embraced my value, I might have explored different styles in my drawings without fear, using mistakes as opportunities to learn.

Objection #4: “Isn’t self-value just another form of ego?”

Intrinsic self-value isn’t about ego; it’s about understanding our worth beyond achievements. This awareness fosters humility and encourages genuine actions.

If I had known my worth wasn’t tied to my drawing skills, I wouldn’t have felt shame when caught tracing. I could have shared my love of drawing without worrying about perfection.

Conclusion

Though I lost my love for drawing as a child, understanding the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic value has given me a new perspective. Now, when I pick up a pencil, it’s not to prove anything to anyone, but to reconnect with the joy I once felt, knowing that my worth isn’t tied to the outcome. Recognising this has allowed me to explore my creativity freely again, without the weight of others’ expectations.

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