I Stopped Drinking Water Because the Internet Told Me To

Or how I learned everything about health from a 30-second video

Good Argument: “Why are you drinking water? Are you a fish?”

I know you don't believe me, but it's true. The reason I know is that I was watching short form videos of dogs, minding my own business, until a video popped up and told me so.

The video is very compelling. It is split vertically into two parts. On the left side, there is a woman standing in front of a large shelf filled with jars containing brown liquid, immediately convincing me she knows her liquids. She looks at the camera and nods with a Mona Lisa smile that seems to say, "See, I told you so." She never utters a word. She is more of the silently supportive type. Honestly, I needed someone nodding to confirm the video’s truth.

On the right side of the video, there is a man who appears to be in a class or conference. It is hard to tell because he's addressing an audience I cannot see. He looks around confidently, engaging with several people across the room. He wears glasses, which automatically signals to me that he is smart. The whiteboard behind him is empty, but I'm certain he could fill it with important information if required.

He uses words that make me feel intelligent, like kidneys, hormonal balance, and electrolytes. These words comfort me because I understand them. Yes, I know what hormones are. I'm smart. I'm not a scientist, but I definitely have a scientific spirit.

Then he drops the bombshell. It turns out we drink too much water. In fact, we are addicted to it, and it's causing kidney failure. The explanation involves words like water, kidneys, hormones, electrolytes, and other jargon that sounded impressive. According to him, the solution is less water, combined with more jargon.

Good Argument: “Guys! Just do your own research!”

But honestly, what truly convinced me was the woman nodding on the left, making me feel foolish for drinking so much water. I discovered she is a herbalist who sells teas. Naturally, I immediately bought whatever she was selling because clearly, she had cracked the code, and I was merely a naive water drinker. Good luck to me when I try to brew her teas without using water.

As for the man, he is a chiropractor who lost his licence due to concerns that he was giving more nutritional advice than chiropractic services. Alright, maybe he isn't qualified or even remotely a scientist. Still, why are people stopping this man from living his dream?

Good Argument: “Water water, jargon, water kidney kidney electrolytes.”

Anyway, I've stopped drinking water entirely and started chewing the dry herbs that the nodding lady sold me. I now sleep fourteen hours a day and have developed a lovely yellow glow that some people mistakenly call kidney failure. But the joke is on them, those silly water drinking fools.

Or maybe, and I'm just speculating here, perhaps we shouldn't take health advice from random videos featuring silently nodding herbalists and unlicensed chiropractors.

But what do I know? I’m just a glow-in-the-dark herbal enthusiast who used to drink water.

Sorry if my humour was too… dry.